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Please cite all poem references: “Excerpt from ‘Suzie Bitner Was Afraid of the Drain’ by Barbara Vance.” Thank you!

Dennis Edmonds Fettlesberry

I’m Dennis Edmonds Fettlesberry,
And I’ve memorized the dictionary.

Though a protracted task, I must say,
It has been most salubrious
In affecting how I confabulate
In discourse far less dubious.

My contemporaries’ opinions
And mine do not conform;
Their lackadaisical orations
Are distressingly the norm.

The hackneyed slang which turns up
In most conversations today
Is scarcely the way to deliver
Asseverations one has to say.

And though my refined ways of speaking
Intermittently draw aberrant looks,
I find I exude the intelligence
Of one who’s construed many books.

All these scholastic expressions
Are magnificent, delightful to use;
Now if you will please excuse me—
I’ve a thesaurus to peruse.

~Barbara Vance

Excerpt from the poetry collection “Suzie Bitner Was Afraid of the Drain”

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